Dear Audrey

on fearing failure

Dear Audrey,

I’m writing this open letter to you far into the future, I don’t think you’d have envisioned being 27 - above all I don’t think you’d have envisioned writing this 6,686 miles away from home. What probably shocks you most is that you’re drinking red wine and you’re kinda enjoying it. It’s from California and I have to say, it’s going down quite well and definitely helping you with the Sunday Scaries… that’s adult talk for perpetually hating the fact that the weekend is coming to an end and work starts tomorrow. But damn girl, we’ve come so far. I can tell you that, that feeling you have of being stuck in a country so far removed from everything, where you think things matter, will disappear. You’re determined to make a life outside of that bubble and you do, in London of all places. 

On things like love, you find it, and it’s not really what you thought it would be. Let’s face it Audz, you are an overly optimistic romantic but I cherish that because when the world is bleak you find ways to see better days. I needed that, we needed that, and you don’t understand how much that gets us through a lot of pain and days when we just want to give up. P.s. London isn’t filled with guys that look like Robbie from Angus Thongs and Perfect Snogging. You’re better off giving up on those expectations and eventually you realise, love and guys kinda suck. No one’s going to write you poems or sing you love songs and that’s okay because finding someone who is present and consistent is all that matters.

I think you’ll be disappointed by the fact that we, or well I, started to fear failure. Somehow, it has paralysed us from doing the things we love, it’s a killer but I’m gonna tell you that you didn’t become a writer. I mean you’re a marketer and you still technically tell stories but I suppose that’s not really the point and I’m sorry for that. No more excuses. Somehow, I’d like to think that this is an ode to that fighting spirit we had. So here’s to the times we were 5 and wrote fake news articles of the 4 dingos that escaped the zoo or to our book on the rotten rabbit and the time we tried to write that novel based off of Britney Spears’ movie, Crossroads. It’s funny how quickly time passes because ‘I’m not a girl, not yet a woman’ is so irrelevant now. I’m a full blown grown woman. Not sure you actually feel that transitory period, it just seems to happen overnight. 

So I’m not sure what happened, we used to be boisterous and unapologetically loud, opinionated and we were never scared of calling out adults for being wrong or hurtful. In a way we were sensitive enough to let rejection and hardship shape us to be shier and quieter, more agreeable (in the wrong way). I’ve “tried” over the past years to overcome this debilitating feeling of fearing failure in front of people. I put it in quotation marks because it’s always been a half assed effort with nothing coming to fruition. I’ll just say I’m insecure, put a bandaid over it and repeat the cycle.

I suppose what has changed is that we're nearing a part of adulthood where you can’t excuse yourself because of your youth or not knowing better, or thinking there’s still enough time. At this point, you realise fear in this case is illusory. Good old smoke and mirrors, excuses and laziness. The reason you don’t do it is because you were always allowed to quit and quitting had no real consequences, so you never learnt to commit or be consistent. Which reflecting back, is a shame, because everyone does the things that they have to do: go to school, get a job, that’s easy. But it’s hard to do the things that you want to do beyond the scope of life’s practical matters. It’s hard to be passionate because it’s personal, it’s hard to pursue your passion because there’s no one to teach you how to be intrinsically you, how to express you. Then you fear judgment and this time the judgment feels scary and personal. But this paralysis, in the end, equates to you not committing to yourself and the person you imagined you wanted to be. 

I’d like to look back at my life and think I tried to embody the person my child-self thought I would become. I mean there’s nothing wrong with where I am now, I work in an industry I’m passionate about and I’ve done things that I am proud of. It’s just that little extra bit we need to pay attention to. That quirky thing that you do for yourself. It takes time to reach that level of commitment to yourself and some people naturally have it. Try to not get jealous of people who are fearless, surround yourself with them because their light can be guiding. They’ll illuminate that there’s no hidden dangers or traps around dark corners. It’s all perception, it just seems scary because it’s dark and you don’t know what’s around the bend. So run with them and move forward.

It all takes failing (maybe for years) and takes nurturing the behaviour to finally show up for yourself. Show up for her, for Audrey at 5 and for Audrey at 27.

Lots of Love,

Ax